15th May- A Mood

OK – so I’m disgruntled! Actually, it’s one of my most creative moods and one which, if I am grumpy enough, forces me to action. In this case nothing more drastic than writing- something, in fact, I long to make more time for – so praise be!

Years of built up disgruntledness seem to be coming to the fore today. I’ve been putting up with so much for what seems like so very long – for what I conceive of as passable payoffs. Sometimes these payoffs feel like ‘marvellous opportunities’. But then I’m reminded of a previous life when I felt the same,  but I was forced to give up – willy-nilly – anyway. And, in the end, thank God, or maybe thank Gaia.

I can’ t be sure – maybe I am indeed on the brink of coming into my own ….or maybe ‘my own’ is already here, quietly unrecognised. Quietly unvalued. I place too much faith in others, in ideas.

‘It’s not the despair, the despair I can handle – it’s the hope!’ (Clockwise)

So let it go.

I think my greatest trials are sometimes related to the undervalued feminine. I am more grateful to Joyce Fletcher than I can say, and also to Shaman Dawn Russell. What, really, is the feminine way of operating? Both these people know something about it and both know how to identify and value it. With many of my heroes as male,  that is food for thought. What is feminine power? What are feminine ways of working? How can we know when we are so deep in our one sided paradigm? Is it discipline? Competition? Success? Winning? Or is it something far more collaborative, woven from many strands, nameless, faceless – supportive of the collective.

What is the alternative to the warrior for a woman? The grower? The nurturer? The weaver?

And feminine rage – what is that ?

Turtles and Sadness

Turtles are vying for attention. Baby turtles at the edge of the sea. Tiny. Crossing an edge – the shoreline – from land to sea. They feature in my Mother’s tapestry. They featured too on David’ Attenborough’s Planet Earth II last night – following the full moon to the sea. The light reflected in their tiny, ancient and yet new, eyes, glistening with age old intelligence. How do they feel when they see that Moon? Is it a surge of Adrenalin? Excitement? Love? What draws them to it. A promise of safety? Does it promise Mother’s arms? How does that ‘rightness’ feel? And how does it feel when they are distracted by other lights? When does it feel not right? Like as a child when you put your shoes on the wrong feet or your pants on backwards. It feels a bit wrong but you don’t know why. When do the turtles know their betrayal? Is it when they are gathered in the storm drain? Or exhausted after propelling themselves far longer than nature intended, past hungry crabs at the edge of the beach, across roads, away, away from the sea? When do they know they have been abandoned? That the promise was a lie? That they are lost, abandoned by the light? And how bad is that betrayal?

What can we really do to stop this?

We simply must!

 

Back on the ladder (but Arny Mindell would like it!)

Interesting and new edge as I get the first feedback from my MSc paper: ‘unique‘, ‘original‘ and words to the effect of amazing and quite unlike anything! I scrabbled about, wondering how to respond, and proffered the word ‘honest’ . Yes, the the person agreed with that!

I was struggling with veiled criticisms as I heard them and recoiled from mentions of my complexes (shit! what did I write ?), complexes of not being heard (ouch ouch ouch). On the upside I liked the use of the word ‘learned’! But… generally not one of these is quite a compliment! I wished in that moment that I had been more normal in my approach and more mindful of how it would land. I had approached it as if I were crafting a piece of art – to be understood or not.

One point of interest is that no fewer than 4 women have expressed an interest in actually reading it – unsolicited by me and from surprising quarters – 3 of them after seeing the physical, bound copy. My feedback here comes from the male side of life (and from a powerful quarter for me!)

So…watching this space to see what, if anything comes back from the women.

The best comment I received yesterday was that Arny Mindell would like it. That is one of the higher accolades I would hope for – so I’ll take my compliment and hug it close!